12.20 pm on my last day at SPH
There's an incredible sense of anxiety - to get away, and early.
I want to slink off today, quietly, and leave this all behind me.
Nevermind about the flashy tea or snacks. I was contemplating it, but think I would like to simply go.
Then, I'll go do yoga! *hehe* it's all planned.
Strange, thought I might have felt more at the moment of departure, but no, I am just anticipating an incredible release and relief.
I think that once I decided that this was not for me anymore, any enthusiasm I had for the job simply died, and without interest or passion, this becomes a real pain.
Hopefully wherever I end up, I will re-experience that drive and ambition to do well.
I don't think I sparkled as a reporter - never did make it as one of those instantly recognizable names, never did play that game, but instead, I was always the one valued because I got the job done, and done well. They did reward me, and they did give me the chance to start stuff that is still in the papers, like YouthInk and all, but hah, in the bigger scheme of things, its so.... minor!
Gosh, you'd have reckoned that i'd achieve more by now! nevermind! Up and on, and to better things.
What exactly, I still wonder, but I hope it all turns out well.
On the family front, Dad got discharged, but he'll have to continue the dialysis.
He's being such a grump that he's chasing away the very people who'd come to see him and offer comfort.
He now wants a wheelchair. Told mom to go ahead, I'll take up the cost.
A very uncharitable part of me wonders cynically if they realise that the regular HDB hawker centre is not going to be disabled-friendly.
Nor is the estate they live in wheelchair friendly too.
Strangely, in contrast, my grandad refused to touch the wheelchair when he was alive.
Despite the weakness from a stroke or two, he absolutely hated the idea and preferred his walking cane, or the domestic helper as a crutch.
Suspect he saw it as the ultimate symbol of old age and weakness.
I am absolutely praying that the domestic helper comes in soon. Supposed to be some time this week. It will relieve some of the strain from my mother.
And yes, I also acknowledge that I am not - either by choice or circumstance - able to relieve any of her burden.
So here are some lessons for old age.
1) If you spend 20 years of your life doing no exercise, smoking, drinking and sedentary, do not expect to get away with it.
2) Get health checks. And often. Even if it may seem like you've become hypochrondriac.
3) If and when you do get sick and your body starts to fail, try to participate in your healing/treatment process by understanding what is going on.
4) And try not to chase the people who care for you away.
What a gloomy post. Bah.
Nat
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